Weird little internalized things

There is a line in Lady Chatterly's lover that is extremely contempteous of women who orgasm after their male partner, or more specifically, the arrangement that Lady Chatterly had with her Irish lover: He would come, but remain hard, and she would get herself off with him remaining passive.

In retrospect, Lawrence's disgust was probably aimed at the Irishman and meant as a critique of his masculinity. His mundane thrusting and subsequent manly spasms did not push her over the brink of passion! For shame! He must not be manly enough. And sure enough, when she meets her fated groundskeeper, he IS able to make her orgasm in the process of coming himself (and also explicitly forces her to be the passive participant, so it is his action that brings her to that point. She isn't allowed to have any autonomy in her own pleasure, he is in charge, etc. Very gendered sexuality. And the groundskeeper is totally an asshole, but I digress.)

Anyway, I ended up internalizing that as a "something shameful"*. Okay, taking tips from D.H. Lawrence, terrible idea, yes. But I think it was the utter repulsion that this guy obviously felt for women who happened to orgasm in this way. And I had fairly recently started having sex, and that was one of the ways in which I could orgasm, and it was damaging to discover that maybe my partners think it's weird and unnatural for me to do this and perhaps I am a flawed person and they are secretly disgusted oh god. Which didn't really make all that much sense on a number of levels: my partners were not disgusted by me, we had good sex, they liked it when I orgasmed in whatever way I needed to. I was able to understand and remain unaffected by the other questionable/archaic aspects of LCL. But that idea stuck around until pretty recently, and I have no idea why. Perhaps because it was so personal, and something that I did engage in, that it was a low blow (ha!) and so carried more weight.

Now I'm somewhat older and can unpack that with a more jaded, feminist outlook, it's...well, I don't know what it is. A testament to the fact that I had weird thoughts and clung to the strangest ideas. I still do, mind. Being able to contextualize on that front is helped by the knowledge that while I'm sure there are people out there who think it is unnatural and repulsive to orgasm that way, they are a) people I'm not interested in having sex with and b) probably outnumbered by people who have MUCH stranger habits, who have happy and healthy sex lives in defiance of what we are "supposed" to like and do. And that's okay, and power to them (and us!).

On a very broad level, I'd just like to say orgasming? Good. You aren't hurting anyone? Go for it. And fuck anyone who wants to shame you out of doing what is best or works for you. ^^

*And Lawrence apparently did think that any autonomy a woman had over her own participation in a sexual encounter was repugnant and unnatural so I don't think that it was entirely off base of me to latch on to that.

Not at all kinky shit

I would love to be one of those wildly kinky people who has a closet full of toys/props and an infinite repertoire of positions and tricks. But if there's one thing that makes you feel any sympathy towards the writers at Cosmo (if anything) is that coming up with new, feasible ideas is difficult, goddammit. And then there's also my own personal foibles. Impatience with things that don't work immediately, being overly sensitive of my dignity, and a desire to be having sex RIGHT NOW all tend to lead to a "oh fuck it, let's just have sex in missionary" moment.

But what this is really leading up to is to say that I just orgasmed from girl on top for what is probably the 5th time in my life. Which is, uh, awesome. And it wasn't from lack of trying or inability to orgasm (trust me on that one), but it did get me thinking about why I hadn't before, and what made the difference. Now, perhaps I am just super behind the learning curve and so no one else would be interested in 'how to orgasm from being on top if you couldn't before' so that particular post might not be at all useful to anybody else.* But I believe a lot of my frustration with that position can be applied to sexual experimentation in general, and therefore is worth saying.

A little thing that had nothing to do with me or my partner was that we switched what kind of condoms we were using. Our usual sex store was closed, ended up with a different brand and a different style. I'm certainly happy about it :P. Entirely coincidental, but it emphasized the difference little things can make. Different lube, different condoms, it's worth playing around. And fun, did I mention fun? Sidenote: Don't settle for Trojans, agh, I hate Trojan condoms, that is an entirely different post.

So for some reason, I have better luck orgasming on top when I'm using a different brand of condoms. Who knew! (And if you did, and didn't tell me, I will be very sad.)

The other thing that made a huge difference was who I was having sex with. While physical differences do play a significant role in what positions work, it was the attitude that played a determining factor here. My current partner is remarkably chill and nonjudgemental--he doesn't mind switching to missionary so I can come when he does, so there was no pressure to say 'I need to come from this new position, he really seems to like it so I don't feel like I can ask to mess around with what we're doing, why am I not coming, let's overthink this to the point that I'm not going to come at all, etc'. Having an environment where I could switch things up to do what *I* needed to do, and where that was not an issue at all? Tremendously important.

This is not to say that I hadn't tried or succeeded in orgasming from other positions, just that it was pretty hard for me to come and by no means a guaranteed thing. I did/still do enjoy switching things up. I like variety, and it felt anywhere from "okay" to "pretty good", but I wouldn't come and so it could end up being frustrating...There was also the pressure to keep doing new things even with the high likelihood that it wouldn't end up being a winner. And I think it was a sign that my communication/comfort with previous partners was subpar (see aforementioned chillness) that changing positions would become an exercise in pleasing who I was having sex with. In that mindset, there was the tendency to give up trying to make it work at all-- (for fear of seeming too demanding? Being afraid of how long it might take to come, if ever? How many unsuccessful attempts would it take? Not wanting to admit that reverse cowgirl is about as interesting as doing laundry, without the sense of accomplishment?). Which leads to feeling like it's a favor, or resentment, and all manner of bad things. Possibly the moral of that is that I suck at communicating sometimes. BUT that even simple shit can take a while to get right. And by "a while" I mean bloody YEARS ugh what was I doing with my time.
(Answer: Everything but having enough really good sex)

Anyway, the really cool thing about this is that it's a confidence booster, which leads to even more positive effects, namely; having figured this one out, I'm so much more likely to want to try other snazzy things. I guess I didn't realize quite how much everything was contingent on mindset. Deciding beforehand that it's not gonna work can really impair the desire to experiment and more importantly, have those experiments succeed. Even with completely mundane vanilla sex. And I am all for ways to have better sex. Even if I don't take Cosmo's absolutely original new tip to have sex on a trapeze wearing sea urchin costumes.

*What made the box-blocking particularly frustrating is that, apparently women are supposed to come from being on top with great facility. I must have been at the end of the line on that one too, or something.

Gifts

It's a pity, the best gifts are supposed to be things that you want and like, but wouldn't buy for yourself. And what fits in this category better than an expensive sex toy?

The obstacle to this perfect plan is that most families and friends would be...taken aback to find out that you want the Vagasorous 9000 with rotating attachments. I would give you some other examples via links, but I am unfortunately updating in a public place and have no desire to be the creeper in the corner. Later, perhaps!

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There's also the unfortunate perpetuation of "romantic" gifts: flowers (that die), jewelry (ugly) and various strange and malformed stuffed animals (that stare at you). And the guilt! I speak as a student here, but knowing how much roses cost; if your significant other can afford it, lovely. If not, that is the cost of a nice dinner right there and did you know that if you leave flowers in unfriendly conditions they rot? In horrifying ways? And your long-suffering roommate then must deal with the persistent fungus that is actually an alien in disguise? TRUE FAX. Don't do flowers in a dorm room. Just...don't. We're lucky that it wasn't the kind of alien that crawls up your nose and bursts out of your chest.

Perhaps it is my inner straw feminist that makes me profess to not like the stereotypical fluffy "I love you" gifts. True, the act of giving itself means something. This person cares enough to go out and spend money on you, presumably with the aim of making you happy...Unless you are in one of those exchange relationships that are squicky on all sides of the equation: if you buy me flowers you get some tail. If you do not buy me flowers, you get the cold shoulder. I must buy you gifts because it is required by socially mandated days! Buying you things is the only way I show my affection! (Yes, yes, these are stereotypes, not actually how it goes all the time, I'm being lazy, etc.) This is actually a post of its own, and I have lost my train of thought completely. This is too long, I sum up; healthy relationship, you can afford it, sure, buy me flowers. If you can really afford it, buy me a supervibe. And there are so many other awesome ways to show affection not involving moneys. .

Cheesy picnics and oral sex, anyone? Perhaps not at the same time.

Personal sidenote: I must admit now that the last gift my current partner got me was a pair of my own socks and an electrical engineering textbook. To the uniformed, this is not the most inspiring gift in the world--it leaves something to be desired on the "sexy" front. Because I am a strange human being, I found it hilarious. And if you think about it, it's a pretty expensive gift, given the nature of textbooks nowadays. I got him back, for Chaunnuka he received a pair of his own socks, poorly wrapped. But hey, they had been washed!

The Power of Flattery

This blog has been made at the request of a friend, who, it should be noted, has many fascinating stories herself and might arguably be better suited to writing a sex/feminist/random blog herself. And yet, here I am.